Its name is Gorflarbyxs ni Ruffnyck St’rze, but Humans, with your pathetically underdeveloped linguistic organs, may prefer to call it simply Gorflarb. It has come to the attention of the Mighty Magistrates that you, the Humans, have been spending an increasing amount of time playing videogames in recent years. This concerns the Mighty Magistrates of Xorflacxt (and, indeed, all of the Glorious Planetary Commission of Sector XIX) due to how these videogames choose to portray extraterrestrials. Our spies first began monitoring Human/videogame activity in 1978 EC (Earth Calendar) upon the release of the primitive Space Invaders arcade machine (a laughable premise: the Xorflacxt are a peaceful people, but if we were to invade our warships would not assume a series of columns that increases speed incrementally over time). The enormous popularity of games featuring alien antagonists has not stopped; in fact, the multimedia circus surrounding the ludicrous Halo 4 has only intensified the Magistrates’ desire for a better understanding of videogames. The children and young adults of Earth are being trained in the slaughter of extraterrestrials they have never met! Videogames are the single largest obstacle standing in the way of interplanetary contact. Without a thorough knowledge of them the potential for a disastrous First Encounter is simply too high for the Xorflacxt to consider.
And so it is that the Mighty Magistrates of Xorflacxt have provided me, Gorflarb, with the unenviable task of reviewing your Earthling “videogames” in an effort to better understand your species’ sad attempts at creating entertainment.